Push...

I've been putting off posting about Thursday's lesson because it was just the worst. The worst. I took me forever to finish this stupid post, because I rehashing is so discouraging. I don't have any pictures either, and I wouldn't post them here even if I did.

I'm a little bit frustrated with Julie. She started school and she hasn't been communicating with me much at all. I spent all of last week trying to figure out what day we were going riding, and when she had classes and when she had work. It wouldn't be a big deal if it was just she and I hanging out or something, but I honestly think it's not fair to DeDe to text her at the last minute canceling our lessons. It's understandable, but frustrating all the same. So, this week I went with my uncle.

Someone else had been riding Porsche, and hosed her off when they were done, so I had to ride Lola.

I really don't like riding Lola.

She's just too advanced for me. That's what it comes down to. I feel very insecure riding her and I think it really isn't safe. Unfortunately I didn't really have another choice this week, but I will certainly make sure next time that I'm going to be riding Porsche.

DeDe was pushing me pretty hard, too. Sometimes that works and it's great, but I was already very nervous and it wasn't really helping. She already knew I was on this horse I was uncomfortable with. I feel like Thursday would have been the day to take it easy, walk through some traffic cones, zig-zag around the dressage court. Just do things to make me feel comfortable and safe. There have been days that I've felt like she could have pushed me harder and I would have been happy, but she seems to only push hard when things aren't going so well. I feel like DeDe sees that I'm not in control and then gets really pushy about it.

We did some groundwork at the beginning of the lesson, and that actually went really well. I lunged Lola a couple of times around in both directions and it went super smoothly. Everything was great until I got on.

Basically, I was really uncomfortable. Rather than letting me get comfortable with Lola, DeDe put us on the lunge line and had Lola trot and canter. I was so, so excited to get to canter, but frankly I kind of hated it. I felt so nervous and precarious and unsafe that I couldn't relax. DeDe kept demanding that I keep my heels down and put my weight in the stirrups. She yelled at me when she wanted me to let go of the saddle horn. She asked my several times why I couldn't do it. I didn't have an answer, and I don't really have one now. It's very hard to think about doing so many things when I'm so nervous, and my teacher is yelling at me, my horse doesn't listen to me, I feel unbalanced because she is trotting diagonally instead of straight forward, I had no warning about when we were going to start cantering, I've never done it before, I'm not riding my regular horse, I'm bouncing and I can't stop, and my teacher is yelling at me.... I want to have fun when I go riding, not feel like I'm awful at it and the horse hates me. I think DeDe forgets sometimes what it was like to learn.

To be clear, I really like DeDe and I think she is a good teacher, but I left on Thursday feeling very discouraged.

She texted me after I left the stable that I'm doing really well and that I have talent and that it takes guts to do what I'm doing. It kind of sounded like an afterthought. Like she felt bad about how the lesson went so she tried to make me feel better. Maybe that is unfair, but sometimes it feels that way. She also told me that she is getting a new horse on the 9th. He is an ex-lesson horse and she said that he will be perfect for me. She also said that I will have no more fear.

I really hope that's the case.