Failure

I have to apologize... I've been meaning to write for almost a week and I've been avoiding it.

I went riding last Saturday. I had the worst time.

Porsche had a painful infected tooth, and so she was nervous and fidgety and just generally unhappy. It made me feel nervous, too. Nervous and scared.

I really feel like DeDe doesn't understand me. She's been riding since she was so young that she has never had the kind of fear I have. I don't think she has ever felt unsure or unconfident when riding, and if she has, I don't think she remembers it. She has no idea why I feel the way that I do, and it frustrates her and makes her angry.

Porsche felt my nervousness and took off trotting. I pulled on the reins but she wouldn't stop. She was going pretty fast, and I almost lost my seat. The stirrups were too long and I didn't realize it until I lost control. I panicked a little. It didn't occur to me to do a emergency stop. The reality is, I was scared and I couldn't think. DeDe got angry and yelled at me for it. I would have understood if she was yelling because she was scared for me, yelling at me to find out why I lost control.

She yelled at me that she didn't understand why I'm not getting it. We've been doing this for a long time now, she said. You should be getting it. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. If you just want saddle time, that's fine. But I'm trying to help you and make you better and you're not doing what I'm telling you. When I started riding I wanted it so badly I did whatever my trainer said, she said.

All I heard was that I'm a failure and I'm never going to get it. I nearly started crying right there. I've been riding less than three months. I feel like it's to be expected that I'm going to suck pretty badly right now, and that I'm going to have fear. Horses can be scary. And in my defense, DeDe put me in a bit of a bad position. She knew about Porsche's tooth and still put me on the horse. I don't blame her for not understanding, but I feel like maybe she's not a suitable trainer for a beginner or for a person like me.

I feel like part of the issue would be solved with a good beginner horse. DeDe's horses are all a bit crazy and a bit scary. Porsche and Pandora are her only decent lesson horses, and neither of them really belongs to her. I think I might need to try some of the other trainers at the stable.

I haven't scheduled another lesson yet. I've been keeping myself busy doing other things, going to Disneyland or dancing, finding other stuff to fill my week with. I know I should go back and try again, but I feel really discouraged. I might text DeDe and go tomorrow or Saturday. I haven't decided yet.

Out on the Trails

I rode trails for the first time on Friday!

At first, I was a little bit worried about it. DeDe texted me before the ride, letting me know that there was construction going on in the riverbed where we would be riding. She told me that she wasn't sure I could handle the horses if they got nervous. I was feeling a little anxious when I got there, and also a little sad. I knew that if it was too hard for me, I wouldn't get to ride.

I haltered Porsche and took her out by myself, while DeDe tacked up Luca. I led her to the wash rack, tied her, groomed her, and picked her feet. I was a little surprised that I got her to pick up her feet for me, actually. In the past, I have had issues with that, as I can't seem to figure out where I'm supposed to squeeze to get her to do it. I had to think really hard about it. You stand at the horse's shoulder, facing its hindquarters. Then, run your hand down its leg to the bubbly joint at the bottom, called the fetlock. Squeeze the fetlock to get the horse to pick up its foot. Hold the foot in your non-dominant hand, and hold the hoof pick in the other. Pick away from yourself, removing any dirt or rocks or anything from around the frog and the horse's shoes, if they wear them. Now you know.

I also tacked her up on my own, mostly. I would like to point out that saddles are really heavy! Up until now, I've always had help lifting it and placing it, but this time I did it alone. I had a bit of trouble remembering to do silly things that would have made my life easier, like hooking the stirrups over the saddle horn to get them out of the way. My shoulder hurt the next day because I spent so long fiddling with it. Once I finally got it on, I tightened the girth (I actually tightened it enough this time! Crazy!) and led Porsche to DeDe's tack room on the other side of the barn. DeDe put the bridle on her for me.

Porsche gave me a little bit of a hard time getting on. She kept trying to walk away from the mounting block. I had to lead her in circles around it three times. It frustrates me a little bit that it's so hard to gain her respect. Eventually though, I did get on, and we were able to take off.

We rode a little way down the railroad tracks, under the freeway, and into the riverbed. I was surprised that the horses weren't phased at all by the horrible groaning noises coming from above us as we rode under the freeway. There weren't and tractors in the riverbed, really. They were outside the riverbed, on the other side of a fence from us. We were above them, and they didn't move around much or get too close to us, so the horses didn't seem to be that interested in them. DeDe commented that most horses would have been losing their marbles at the noise, let alone the few times when they drove near us. More reasons I love Porsche :)

Trail riding is very different than riding in the arena. In the arena, DeDe wants me to collect the reins, while on the trail she wanted me to give Porsche her head most of the time. The horses were kind of on alert because of the noise and movement of the tractors, so I kept talking to Porsche to try and calm her. That was a bit reassuring for me too, actually. DeDe and I chatted as we rode as well. It was fun! Definitely a nice break from the arena.

I feel like this also really boosted my confidence. We did just a few minutes of trotting, and I felt pretty good about that. Of course, I was also really happy that I held it together and didn't really feel nervous while we were riding. I feel like I'm finally starting to get somewhere!

And Better

I'm feeling sooo much better this week!

I rode Porsche again today. She is absolutely my favorite. She's my girl. She makes me feel better about my life.

I tacked her up mostly by myself. I was pretty excited about that, since it's one of my goals to learn to do. DeDe had to help me with the saddle, since Amy and I put it away wrong last time... Oops.

I rode Porsche around the dressage court. DeDe put four little cones in a square in the middle, and had me turning circles through them. I had a little bit of trouble getting Porsche really moving though, and getting her to do tight little circles like DeDe wanted. She wanted me to get the horse to really arc through the turn, and I couldn't seem to get her to do it and move at the same time. DeDe told me to "fluff" her with my outside leg, and that helped a lot. Porsche is really responsive, once I know how to ask her what I want.

I've been doing a lot of walking and turning and circling. I know it sounds very repetitive, but every time, it's a little different, and I learn something new. I have been working on my riding position, confidence, and taking charge, and those are things best learned at a slower pace, I think.

Today, I did do some trotting, though! I know Porsche is supposed to be bouncy, but I was really feeling better about my trot. I tried some posting for the first time; it's difficult! It uses a lot of muscles I'm not used to using. I did some sitting trot as well, once I got tired. I'm getting better at putting my weight in the stirrups and pushing my heels down. I felt like I was bouncing way less. Now I just need to start letting go of the saddle horn! Someone suggested to me that I take it in steps, to improve my confidence. Let go for just a second, and grab the horn again. Once I feel comfortable with that, five seconds. Then ten. Then thirty. And so on and so forth, until I can take the reins and steer. I think it's a great idea, and I'll have to try it next time.

Once we finished the lesson, I untacked Porsche and led her back to her stall by myself, unsupervised. I was really proud of myself for that! I haven't done it on my own until now.

I'm really happy with how I'm progressing. I know I have a lot to learn yet, but I feel like I'm getting there. DeDe and I talked about maybe going on trail next time, which I was really excited about! I really want to get out of the arena for a little bit.

My sisters came with me today, so I feel kind of dumb for not asking them to take pictures for me! I have a couple from last time, so those will have to do until next time.

Better

Oh Porsche, how I love thee.

I missed riding her. It's been forever since the last time I did. And I had a really nice time today.

I went to my lesson with my friend Amy. She's super awesome. We met because we're both taking lessons and DeDe introduced us. I think she's super weird though, because she likes Lola better than Porsche!

We took Porsche out at first. We planned to alternate every fifteen minutes or so. It had been longer since Amy had ridden, so DeDe wanted Amy to go first. I took pictures and Amy rode. She did some walking and circling, and then a little bit of trot. Amy seemed to be having trouble with Porsche's trot though, since it is bouncier, so I got on Porsche and DeDe went to get Lola.

It felt nice to ride on my own for a little bit. I just walked around the round pen and turned a little, but I felt in control, confident, and comfortable. Porsche really is my comfort zone.

I rode around the round pen for a long while, just being comfortable and getting some riding time. Amy lunged Lola I'm the dressage court for a little bit and then got on bareback! It was really exciting, but I didn't see much of it, since I was riding. Porsche was pretty good unless DeDe was close by. For some reason, she chose those moments to act up: trying to open the gate, not turning when I asked her to, and not stopping when I asked her to. It's like she was trying to make me look bad!

DeDe eventually moved me to the dressage court with Amy. Amy was walking Lola, and then she and DeDe lunged her. I went around the court at a walk, did circles and figure eights and zigzags. I felt really happy with the way this lesson went. Not much actual content, but I felt like I regained a lot of confidence from my time in the saddle. I also tried to think about my riding position. I've been reading lots of articles and watching lots of videos about sitting trot lately, and so I had a lot to think about. I tried to keep my heels low and my weight in the stirrups, and to make sure I was not leaning forward and that I was moving my hips with the motion of the horse. Harder than it sounds!

At one point, Lola took off. I guess Amy was lunging her, and Lola just pulled away and took off running back to her stall. I didn't realize it until Lola ran right in front of Porsche and me. I had a little moment of panic; I felt Porsche tense up and I thought to myself, she's going to take off, too. I kept my cool though (mostly), and thought of one-rein stops until we both calmed down. I have to admit, I don't feel comfortable with Lola's behavior... this is the second time she's taken off like that around me.

I really feel like I needed this kind of a relaxed lesson. I felt very good about it. Hopefully next time I'll learn new things and keep this confidence :)

The Right Direction... Sort Of

I had the best lesson ever yesterday.

I was really bummed though, because Julie couldn't join me this week, either. She threw out her back, so she really couldn't come. It makes me sad! I miss her. And I know she misses her lessons.

I rode Porsche. She's great. I think if I was going to lease, I would seriously consider her. She was a little grumpy yesterday, since she had been worked pretty much all day. Not hard work, though. Basically she went at a walk with kids riding her for a long while, so she was a little frustrated by the time I got on.

I saddled her today, which I was really happy that I got to do. I didn't cinch it tight enough again, though. The saddle was sliding all over. Note to self: the cinch has to be really tight! Next time I'm going to see if I can put the bridle on too. Speaking of which, I was riding with a western headstall yesterday! It was interesting. The reins are connected, but they aren't a circle. There's a bit of rein past where they connect, if that makes sense. You control the reins with your non-dominant hand, and hold the end in your other hand, on your leg. You pull on the end of the reins with your dominant hand to shorten them. It's a bit complicated to explain, but it made sense after playing with it for a little bit.

Porsche was kind of stompy when I hopped on. She was okay for most of the lesson though. We walked circles around the round pen and practiced turning. DeDe had me look, turn with my shoulders, use the reins, and this time she also had me push Porsche through the turn with my outside leg. It took a lot of leg! I was really surprised at how much pressure I had to apply to get results.

I also learned about "working her from underneath." I've heard the term before, but I didn't really understand what it meant. DeDe explained that when Porsche is walking, she should be taking long enough steps that she puts her back hooves into the hoof prints left by her front feet. She told me to squeeze Porsche with my calves to get her really moving. It felt very different once she responded. Much faster, and a slightly choppier, less ambly shambly gait. DeDe told me that it rounds out her frame... or something. Something good that I didn't quite understand.

We then practiced moving up into the jog. I'm getting much more comfortable with it! From Porsche's faster walk, it was much easier to ask her to trot. There was less of a jarring, lurching feeling moving into the trot than when she's dragging her feet. DeDe didn't have me on the lunge line this time. I let the reins hang loose and held onto just the horn, and let her do her own thing once she started jogging. I'm feeling much more comfortable with the idea of it. This time I was able to think about what to do while I was riding as well: keeping my heels down, looking where we were going, etc. DeDe asked if I wanted to try canter, but I wasn't feeling brave enough. I'm kicking myself for it now!

Porsche was sort of acting up toward the end of the lesson, though. She kept trying to open the gate, and she didn't want to turn the direction that I would want her to. She would stay too close to the rail and bang my feet on it, or too far in and try to get to DeDe. She just didn't want to listen. DeDe ended up getting on her and "tuning her up" for me. She just let the horse know who was in charge, because it's dangerous to have her trying to get out the gate and whatnot. I got back on and went around once or twice, so Porsche would understand that she has to listen to me. We just went around the pen twice, and she listened when I asked her to get on the rail. We ended the lesson ten minutes early, since she was obviously frustrated. I was really proud of myself for not getting freaked out at her acting up. I didn't even realize it until DeDe mentioned it. I must be gaining confidence :)

I untacked her myself this time. It wasn't too hard, just unwieldy! So many things to do at once, especially while removing the bridle and putting on the halter. I got all mixed up, and if Porsche wasn't such a good girl, she might have taken off on me. One day I'll be good at this!

I was really happy with how my lesson went yesterday. DeDe and I discussed taking a break from the arena next week and going on a trail ride instead. I really hope we can do that! I feel like it'll be a really good lesson in itself. DeDe also told me that Julie and I should take a lesson with her with her dressage teacher sometime. I know dressage teaches lots of fundamentals that you can't learn anywhere else, so I think that would be a really great idea.

I'm only getting more excited about this whole horse thing, when I thought it was going to start to calm down. Does that happen?

How to Trot Badly

I'm happy with the way things went yesterday.

DeDe changed our lesson to Monday, since she got a job hauling a horse to Oregon. Julie couldn't make it today, though, since she specifically requests Wednesdays off work. So she was trapped at Starbucks today :(

I talked a friend into coming with me. Her name is Thania. She's never been on a horse before, but she had kind of a crappy week and I figured seeing and petting the ponies would make her feel better.

We actually got there exactly on time, which felt really weird for me because we always show up a half hour early. It was kind of a good thing though, because DeDe had a lesson before us. The student, Raul, was still on Porsche when we got there. We got to watch him trot and lope, which was pretty cool! I'm excited for the day that I get to canter.

DeDe and Raul untacked Porsche, and then DeDe put a different saddle and bridle on her. It was Raul's saddle, and he is a little more advanced, so he rides one-handed with a shank bit. I ride two-handed with a snaffle.

I had a bit of an adventure when I got on, because DeDe asked me to check the girth. I thought it was tight enough when in reality, it was really loose. It kept sliding all over. DeDe had to tighten it.

Thania wasn't sure if she wanted to get on, so she watched while I got on and practiced turns at the walk. There were some cones set up in the dressage court, which I practiced turning through. DeDe had me trot for just a little bit, too.

DeDe had me let go of the reins, hold onto the horn of the saddle, and push my weight down into my heels. Then she cued Porsche for a slow jog. It's really hard to keep from bouncing all over the place! I sort of lost my place after a little while. My heels went up and I was really bouncy, and I felt uncomfortable overall. DeDe stopped Porsche and asked me how I felt, and then had me hold onto both the horn and the back of the saddle. She told me to pull downward as I pushed my weight into my heels.

It felt much better, like I was being lifted out of the saddle. That made trotting much smoother. I felt a little bit more comfortable with the idea of it by the end of the lesson.

Thania ended up hopping on at the end of my lesson. DeDe led her around the dressage court a couple of times, and then I led her around the barn, to the hitching post. We untacked her, brushed her down, and then I led her into her stall and took her halter off for the first time. It was actually the first time I had helped untack at all.

Thania really liked the stables, which I was really happy about. When we were done, we went and fed Pandora and Porsche. Thania wanted to walk around and see all the horses, so I took her to see all the extra pretty ones. I think her favorite was Lacey. Not surprising! Lacey is easily the prettiest horse in the barn. She's such a sweetheart, too! We got to pet her for the first time, and she is the sweetest, quietest horse.

We also had a conversation with Pandora's owner and Dolly's owner (they are friends. Dolly is a chestnut paint horse with white just on her legs and face. Very pretty!) about leasing horses. They told Thania and I that when we are ready and feel like we want independent riding time with a horse, leasing is a great option. They told us that plenty of people at our stable lease, and that depending on how many days a week you want, it runs $100-300. They went on to tell us about a feed lease, which is more expensive, but it means that you are the only one who rides the horse. I have to say, if I was going to lease any horse in the barn, it would be Lacey. I love Pandora, but I feel like I'm not going to be at her level for a long while.

I felt like I really ended on a good note. I love riding Porsche because she is a confidence builder. I adore Pandora, but she definitely isn't! I'm excited for the day that I feel like I can really ride her, though. :)

Frustration

Today kind of felt like banging my head against a 1200 pound wall. It was just a weird, kind of sucky lesson.

Julie and I usually arrive about a half hour early for lessons. We've done this every time we've had a lesson so far. I didn't last Friday, but that was only because I thought she had someone scheduled directly before me. However, when DeDe got there, she seemed surprised and irritated that we were there early. I guess she has been stressed lately. She is sort of in limbo with her housing situation and is currently looking for a place to live. In our past couple of lessons, she mentioned it, but she was still her usual peppy encouraging self. But today, she definitely brought it all with her.

Julie and I kind of expected to ride today. My heart sank when DeDe said we were going to be doing groundwork. It makes me really nervous and uncomfortable, frankly. I know I need to get over it. I want to have horses one day and it's something I need to know how to do. But... I guess riding, in the end, gives me a confidence boost that groundwork does not. I know Julie feels the same. Probably more so, since I seem to understand the concepts of groundwork a little better than she does.

This time we each had our own horse to work with. Julie had Lola, and I had Luca. The reason we haven't ridden Luca yet is because he has an abscess on one of his feet. I was a little confused about why we were taking Luca out today. For one, he makes me nervous because he is young and a bit nippy, he has been cooped up in his stall and has a lot of energy. For two, he has an abscess. The vet said to hand walk him bit I felt like this was putting a bit of pressure on me. He was fine leaving his stall, but on the way to the round pen, he decided it was time to jump around and get excited (spooked?), and I freaked out a little. It was a bit embarrassing, really.... I didn't exactly scream, but I definitely squeaked and dropped the lead rope. He's just a bit too high strung for me still, I guess. DeDe took the lead rope and took him into the round pen and lunged him for a little bit, let him roll in the dirt and whatnot, but in the end he was too lame for her to be comfortable with it. She put him back in his stall and brought Porsche out instead. I didn't really understand why we tried him in the first place. He scared me quite a bit and it put a damper on the rest of the lesson for me.

Julie had a lot of issues with today's lesson. I don't know if it's just because she was being a butt or didn't understand her or something, but she had a lot of trouble getting Lola to do what she wanted. I felt bad. I felt like the lesson ended on a really sucky note for Julie, and she seemed really bummed about it. I did a teeny bit better, but I'm not sure if that was because I understood better, or because Porsche was more willing to listen to me. I still wished that I felt like we accomplished something besides being awful at groundwork.

On a brighter note, we bought some black licorice, which is Pandora's favorite treat! She was really excited about it. Julie snapped a couple of really cute pictures of me with Pandora, and one or two with her super-sweet next door neighbor. We couldn't take pictures of each other doing groundwork, since we each had a horse. Which is a good thing, I guess!

She let me pet her for all of about one second.

I kept pulling her over, trying to get a picture holding her head, but she was not having it. She wanted to know where the rest of her licorice was!

Silly Pandora! It's all gone.

I love this horse. She's amazing. One day I'll be able to really ride her!

It's really bothering me that this picture is a different size from the others, but Julie took it with her phone and it's just sooo cute!

Getting Comfortable

This week's lesson went much better than last week's. I was sooo nervous last week. But this week, as I sort of started to do things right, I got a lot more confident.

This week we rode Porsche. I thought she was the Tennessee Walking Horse, but I guess I was wrong, since DeDe said she's a quarter horse. She was such a sweetheart though! All she wanted was for us to pet her and give her love. It was the sweetest thing. And I could tell Julie liked her much better than she liked Lola!

We started the lesson with groundwork first. It was super intimidating! She makes it look so easy, but when I'm not on the horse, it's a lot harder to ask for what I want. DeDe has us lunge Porsche, but it didn't work so well. We're really bad at it! Julie had trouble getting her to keep moving, and I had a hard time asking her to go faster. We're thinking that we're going to do groundwork once a month, so we can, one day, be better at it.

Julie rode first this time. I took pictures while she reviewed last week's riding. She practiced taking Porsche around the ring at a walk, stopping, turning, and backing up. She looked way more comfortable this week. Way less nervous. I feel like she's doing really well, considering that she's never been on a horse before these lessons. The only thing I think she really needs to work on is sitting up straighter in the saddle.

I felt much better about my time in the saddle. I still definitely felt nervous as I was getting on Porsche, since groundwork didn't go so well. But I got comfortable really fast. The first couple times I asked the horse to stop, she didn't listen well, but DeDe stopped me and told me to hold the reins closer to her mouth, be very loud and firm when I give the command, and if she doesn't listen, then hold the reins back until she stopped. Immediately, I felt a huge difference and a huge confidence boost!

Turning was sort of interesting, too. The ring was a little muddy, so Porsche kept making these huge wide turns to avoid it. I felt much better about turning this week though. DeDe told me to look in the direction I wanted to go, move my shoulders, and then use the reins. It worked perfectly :)

I'm really happy with the way lessons have been going. I'm taking an extra lesson by myself tomorrow, which I'm really excited for. Maybe I'll get to ride Pandora!